October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in the United States. This year, I am particularly aware of breast cancer because a very dear friend of mine was diagnosed a few weeks ago with an aggressive form, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. She is in Stage 3C, and her cancer is Triple Negative, which is one of the more rare types. Since her diagnosis, she has been keeping friends and family up to date on her treatment plan, what she can expect as she confronts cancer, and how she is feeling at any given update. Somehow, her e-mails have had an amazing ability to soothe those of us who love her, even though we are the ones who should be comforting her. But that is her nature; she is a caretaker, a lover of people, and a “mother” and “sister” and friend to many. Her spirit is strong, and her faith steadfast.

My first cousin was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer shortly after her fortieth birthday, and fought it hard for nearly seven years. I am still inspired by her strength, her will, her faith and the beauty of her spirit. Though we did not get the chance to grow up near one another, I bonded with her in adulthood, and I miss her very much. She was very fortunate to have her three children, her mother, brothers and sister and their families with her throughout her ordeal. What struck me was her courage throughout her illness, and how much family and friends rallied behind her every step of the way.

Countless people have been affected by cancer in one of its dreaded forms, either directly, or through a loved one or acquaintance. Others have had little experience with cancer, lack knowledge about the various types of cancer and their treatments, and may feel unsure how to provide support to someone who has cancer. Many other people actively participate in the fight against cancer through involvement in one of the many cancer foundations and their various fundraisers. All such efforts should be applauded for their contributions to finding cures for cancer. Breast cancer is particularly prevalent, however, and breast cancer research is in dire need of fundraising efforts and financial support to advance breakthroughs and treatment options and to continue spreading awareness. 

Today, I hope to share a message about prevention awareness and the vital importance of routine mammography, breast ultrasound, and breast MRI screenings. My friend has encouraged me to spread the word to as many women and men as possible, and has given me permission to share her personal story, which she has already shared with friends and family. She is in her mid-forties and has a family history of breast cancer, so had been getting annual mammograms and breast ultrasounds for the past six or seven years. In April of this year, she had her yearly mammogram, and then in June, she had a follow-up breast ultrasound. No cancer was detected on either screening. Then, on September 15^th of this year, she was told she had a tumor in her left breast, and a subsequent lymph node biopsy showed that the cancer had already spread. Her journey with cancer began suddenly and unexpectedly; despite her precautions, the prescribed preventative screenings were not enough to detect the cancer.

This is the message my friend would like to impart as she prepares to bravely go up against breast cancer:

Be proactive! Even if you have no family history of breast cancer, know the statistics, and the importance of preventative screenings. Blood tests can also be done to check for markers that would indicate the possibility of cancer. The guidelines for screening vary, but the general consensus is that annual mammograms are recommended for women aged forty and up who are at average risk for breast cancer. For women who have a family history of breast cancer or other risk factors, annual mammograms are recommended from a much earlier age. Women with dense breast tissue, cysts in their breasts, and/or a family history of breast cancer should INSIST on annual breast MRIs, in addition to breast ultrasounds and mammograms. My friend was very clear in her advice on this, saying she didn’t want anyone else to have cancer missed on a mammogram and breast ultrasound like hers was. She urged all her female family and friends to please get mammograms (and any additional screenings that may be necessary) to be proactive in catching cancer in the early stages. I know medical insurance is an issue for many and these screenings are often not fully covered, but it is so important to prioritize budgeting for these preventative medical expenses and to be diligent about getting them done.

At the end of this post, I have listed some links regarding breast cancer screening, the specific type of cancer my friend has, chemotherapy information, and articles on very recent breast cancer research. Since I learned of my friend’s diagnosis, I have been reading about breast cancer; the facts and details about the type she has, and even about the specific chemotherapy drugs she will be given. She has given all of her friends and family the details about her treatment plan, which has been extremely helpful in understanding her case. Everyone who supports a woman who has breast cancer can do his own research to better understand what she is going through, and therefore try to provide her with better support. It seems the last thing a cancer patient would want to do is to reiterate medical details to family and friends who ask for them. A woman going through treatment needs to save her energy to focus on the complete healing of her body. Having breast cancer awareness can be a way to support a loved one with cancer.

I urge anyone reading this to take some time to become aware of some aspect of cancer previously unknown to oneself. Read about cancer statistics, preventative measures (dietary, lifestyle, medical, etc.), how to provide support to individuals and families dealing with cancer, the latest in cancer research, cancer fundraising opportunities, etc. Try to find some way to become better educated to ensure this National Breast Cancer Awareness Month has its greatest impact yet. My special request, for my friend, is that you take time to read about the different screening methods for breast cancer detection, and the pros and cons of each. Most importantly, I hope all women will heed her advice to get regular screenings as recommended, and men will urge their loved ones to do so.  How will YOU honor Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

EARLY DETECTION SCREENING:

http://ww5.komen.org/breastcancer/earlydetectionampscreening.html

http://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/adult/breast/screening-guidelines-breast

INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA:

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/idc

http://www.seattlecca.org/diseases/breast-cancer-types.cfm

CHEMOTHERAPY:

http://www.chemocare.com/search.aspx?q=invasive%20ductal%20carcinoma

Use this link to learn about chemotherapy treatment; type in the various drug names in the search window and the site will provide specific information about each of them.

CANCER RESEARCH:

http://www.breakthrough.org.uk/

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/29/business/roche-breast-cancer-drug-appears-to-greatly-extend-patients-lives.html?_r=0

Triple Negative Breast Cancer Breakthrough: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/09/140905153015.htm

A Mother’s Thoughts on Parenting Young Adult Children

The Notion that Our Children are Given to Us On Loan

There is a saying to this effect, and I believe it’s true! When I became a parent each time, I looked at my newborn daughters in those first hours and thought something to the effect, “What a gift I’ve been given! God, I promise to protect and guide this child of Yours. Thank you for placing Your trust in me.” And that’s just it—our children are in our charge, but they are not our property. We never realize how short the time we have them under our wings really is until it is time for them to leave the nest.

They are born with unique personalities and traits, strengths and weaknesses, and our job as parents is to work with their natural characters and capacities and to guide them as best we can to prepare them for a healthy, happy and successful life. We do this through a combination of our shared experiences and through example. The caveat here is that we need to be detached from our own ideas for their “health, happiness and success” when they don't align with theirs.

On Trusting the Instincts and Intuition of Young Adult Children

My children are smart, and a lot savvier than I was at their age. The Internet has helped tremendously, in that young adults today can easily research, plan and prepare themselves for almost any undertaking they want to experience.  My husband always reminds me that the foundation is there, and so I know that while they may make some mistakes and take some chances that make me cringe, they have a strong foundation from which to gain their footing again if they begin to slip or fall. After all, what were all those years teaching them to be aware of their surroundings and warning them about life’s dangers for if not to prepare them to go explore the world? Whenever I start to panic, I think, "What would my daughter do based on what she knows is right and the experience she has?" And usually, I am much comforted when I remind myself that they both have strong instincts and intuition. They are smart and very capable young women.

Letting Go and Trusting that Our Children Will Be Safe

Whenever parents begin to worry about their young adult children’s safety and well-being, they can quickly get themselves all worked up, imagining the worst possible scenarios and consequences for their children. Oftentimes, most of our worst imaginings don’t even come to fruition, and situations they get themselves into, in actuality, turn out to be far more reasonable and even interesting than we give our young adult children credit for. For me, I have to have a little sit-down with myself to reassure my "inner mommy” that if I just have faith and trust (in God, in my case), my children will be kept safe from harm and will return to me soon—on their own time, of course!

 Encouraging our Children to See the World and Live Life Fully

When we’ve done our job as parents (I do realize a parent’s job is never done, but in this case, I mean raise them until they are ready to leave the nest), we need to step back and let our children explore the world that we’ve worked so hard to prepare them to navigate. It’s not easy! We want to give sage advice and omniscient warnings, and if our children are receptive, we should. But, there is a fine line in doing this and in micro-managing our adult children’s lives. We need to learn to let go of the control we once had over our children’s lives in order to give them a chance to make their own way.

When Young Adults Embark on their Own Adult Journeys

Living in the Middle East now for two years, I have a very different viewpoint on what is an appropriate age to expect our children to have gained all the skills and resources to enter the adult world. In America, as in many western cultures, a young person can enter the adult world and become fully independent by age 18 in many cases. Many take this leap after they finish university, at around age 22 or so. In the Middle East, however, most young adults live at home, or in a flat connected to the family home, until they marry, and that can occur at any age from 18 and up to 40 or older! No “boomerang babies” here…they just don’t leave the nest! Personally, I think somewhere in the middle of these two traditions is just about right. Middle Eastern young adults have the encouragement and support of immediate and extended family as they gradually explore life as an adult. Family units are often stronger, and adult children don’t feel embarrassed or reticent to come to family for help or guidance, as is the case with many children in the U.S. who either choose or are expected to move out of their parents’ home at a younger age.  To prove they have been a success or are mature enough to cope with adulthood, many American young adults struggle unnecessarily, feeling that they don’t have a right to their family’s support, or that their parents won’t provide it if they are in need. Many others, especially in today’s economy, struggle with feelings of failure or inadequacy when they can’t make it on their own and have to rely on their parents for temporary support. Here in the Middle East, it’s different—it's just a given that parents will be there for their children of any age, and there is a mutually caring relationship in which parents know their children will care for them in return when they are in need. No matter at what age our young adult children leave our homes, it would be wonderful if they could do so with our blessings, wisdom and support, knowing we always have their backs—while keeping healthy boundaries, of course.

There are Many Ways to Live a Productive, Satisfying Life. 

Most parents have a vision of the best possible path for their children, and it often begins with a higher education in a marketable field, which will hopefully provide them with the means to live a happy, successful life. Many of us as parents also hope our children will go on to marry and give us adorable grandchildren someday. But what happens when our children decide to deviate from the “prescribed path?” Suppose they decide to take a gap year to travel, for instance, or work at a job we don’t deem valuable as part of a future career path. What if they have no interest in marriage, or even children for that matter? How can parents let go of their expectations and desires for their children’s futures, and learn to honor and accept the individual choices of their children, however reckless or ill-planned they may think those choices are? It goes back to the attempts parents often make to try to prevent their children from experiencing any difficulty or disappointment in life, or trying to “save” them from life's hassles, because “we KNOW, we’ve been there and done that” or, “We know what we’re talking about; just listen to us!” Helicopter parenting at its finest, I say. Some children will easily accept the advice of their parents; if you have one of these children, count yourself lucky, for you will worry just a bit less than other parents. But many other children will not automatically heed their parents' warnings, needing instead to experience things on their own in order to understand or learn a valuable lesson. Whatever path they choose in life, I think most parents can agree that what we want most for our children is for them to be happy and healthy. With those two things under their belts, success is sure to follow.

When Thoughts Get Dark…Just Don’t Go There!

As a parent of two very adventurous and independent daughters, I worry. Among many things, I worry that they are wearing sunscreen, that they are staying hydrated and well nourished and getting plenty of sleep, that they aren’t getting their hearts broken, and that they are keeping company with good people who will be positive influences in their lives. I worry that they will get distracted in life, and not pursue and complete a higher education, or that they are too stressed out in this crazy world we live in. I worry that they miss me as much as I miss them. I worry. And when they are out of touch for too long (typically for more than 3 days), I panic. I know my girls and their routines, and what is typical behavior for them. I know when they are in a funk, or need to retreat and find solitude, and I try to honor that need for space. But sometimes I panic! So, when thoughts get dark, I have to consciously tell myself, “Just don’t go there!” The mind is a powerful thing, and it can imagine elaborate and tortuous scenarios in a mother’s mind. My husband assures me that there are probably 100 possible scenarios that are keeping my daughters, who are my very life and breath, from staying in touch with me. And usually, he’s right. They are busy living their lives, and not pining over their mother. For a mother, it’s different. We may think of our children, no matter what age, in a hundred or more mini-thoughts, memories and mind wanderings per day. This is our blessing and our curse.

“A Worried Mother Does Better Research than the FBI!”

I found a graphic that had this quote on it and I laughed and saved it, but I have to tell you, in my case, it’s true. Both of my girls have given me the gracious gift of allowing me the opportunity to hone my research skills over the years. In both cases, the girls were fine. Thank God for technology and the Internet, though. A quick message from them of their plans or itineraries and the occasional "proof of life" photo posted on social media are usually sufficient to put me at ease. 

More Internal Dialogue: “Relax, the Girls Will Be Fine. Breathe. Exhale.”

Here is another example of a self-soothing mantra I have to recite when I am in a panic about my girls. At the end of the day, I know this is true. I trust them, and I trust God to protect them, and to keep me sane. When you raise children who like to explore like my two girls do—to climb to unimaginable heights and then sometimes jump from those heights, or descend into dark, damp caves, to go fast and stop quickly, to navigate murky or fast-flowing waters, or go to very crowded places surrounded by strange people (“They’re not strange, Mom, they’re different”), or to shoot handguns and semi-automatic rifles (only one of my girls, I think), etc., you learn to manage small panic attacks. You also learn to enjoy the long exhale of relief when you hear they have made it through their experiences unscathed; who knew a mother could hold her breath for so long? You mainly learn not to get mad at them for scaring you, but to instead just be thankful that they are safe and enjoying life. Though it does help when they tell you what they did after the fact, I must say.

Wow! Look at all the Amazing Things our Children are Experiencing!

What could be better than reminiscing about all the fun things we did in our youth than watching our own children do some of those same things, and perhaps even more exhilarating things than we had the guts or opportunities to do? I am so inspired by my two daughters and their zest for life, their courage and bravery, and their lack of inhibition. They have goals and they take life seriously, but they also know how to find balance by incorporating lots of playtime and exploration into their lives. I am happy for them, and am often inspired by them to live life more fully, intentionally and authentically.

Listening to and Learning from our Children

I love to hear my daughters’ stories of their latest capers and encounters. They get involved in some interesting activities, meet fascinating people, and partake in exciting experiences. They are learning about many topics that are new to me, and some of which I have a basic knowledge, so our conversations are very stimulating.  I find that there is a lot to learn from my young adult daughters, and I cherish the times when they open up and share with me about their perspectives and thoughts on a variety of subjects. It’s always interesting to me to stand back and look at my daughters and the women they have become, both the ways they have changed as they have been exposed to new things over the years, and the ways they have stayed exactly the same: expressions, habits and preferences. When I watch them sleep, in the same positions they did as children, they are still the small girls that let me cuddle them. Now, when we snuggle in bed to watch a movie or to chat, I feel like the luckiest person on earth.

Thank God for Social Media and Cell Phones

Many miles separate me from my daughters, and several time zones. Coordinating regular phone calls is not always practical, and sometimes not preferable, as we seem to prefer organic conversations. That being said, we talk often: when we have news to share, when we miss each other, when we need advice from each other, when we need to vent, when we have a funny story to relay, and often just to check in with each other. Without social media and online communication applications, we would have a much harder time staying in touch, and probably feel much more disconnected. While it is not a perfect arrangement, and I miss my daughters every single day, I am very grateful for the many ways I have of staying in touch with them. I can track their activities (yes, I stalk my girls on social media) and be a silent observer of their lives, knowing they are safe and happy. Sometimes, that's all a mommy needs to know. 

Father's Day

 

Here I am with my parents when they came to visit me in Amman for the first time this April, 2014.

It many respects, parenting is second nature. Our children are born, and we either instantly bond to them, feeling the strong desire to protect and love them, or we develop the skills necessary to provide and care for them through trial and error, and just plain old instinct. Some parents carefully plan ahead for their roles, and others are thrust into parenthood without any preparation whatsoever. Many parents also believe that they are given the gift of parenthood, and the honor of raising one of God’s children. They quickly realize that their children are not merely products of their efforts and guidance, but they are unique individuals who enter this world with blueprints of their own. They may carry some of their parents’ character traits and features, but they are definitely their own distinct selves. They grow and change and then grow and change some more. As parents, we have to set healthy boundaries then stand back and let this happen, for better or worse. We need to be there to patiently love, support and guide them throughout the process, especially when they fall down. In the end, it is the trust and confidence we have in our children that allows them to blossom and carve out their own paths in life. A parent’s love for his children bolsters them and gives them the fortitude to persevere in life, and the curiosity to explore it without fear. We hope they take the best of what we have shown them, and forgive us for our many shortcomings as parents. In short, we do our best. 

Fortunately for me, my father has always been there for me in this way, but even more importantly, my father and I are friends. He is interesting, kind and smart with valuable insights and ideas to share. Over the years, we have both grown and changed so much, and we have invested time in getting to know and understand one another better—time we did not have as I was growing up. As I grow older, I see in myself a lot of my dad, and an equal portion of my mother—both their quirks and virtues! I am so grateful for the time I have been blessed to have with them, and for their influences on my life. Since my father retired a few years ago, I have had more opportunities to spend time with him, to talk with him, and to know him, despite the miles between us.

My sister-in-law recently made a statement that has stuck with me: “Parenthood is exhausting at times, but it is a beautiful, happy exhaustion!” Dad, I know I have exhausted you over the years, and I thank you for all you have done and been in my life, and continue to be. Happy Father’s Day! 

 Happy Father’s Day to every man who plays the role of “Father” in a child’s life, no matter how old the child…it’s a lifetime post, fatherhood! To be a father is a labor of love that yields the most beautiful fruit. To quote Abdu’l Baha,

“O Lord! I am a child; enable me to grow beneath the shadow of Thy loving-kindness. I am a tender plant; cause me to be nurtured through the outpourings of the clouds of Thy bounty. I am a sapling of the garden of love; make me into a fruitful tree.

Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful, and Thou art the All-Loving, the All-Knowing, the All-Seeing.”

Here is my dad with his brood of five, and my lovely mother. This was taken in early 1971. 

I am the babe in arms.