A Mother’s Thoughts on Parenting Young Adult Children

The Notion that Our Children are Given to Us On Loan

There is a saying to this effect, and I believe it’s true! When I became a parent each time, I looked at my newborn daughters in those first hours and thought something to the effect, “What a gift I’ve been given! God, I promise to protect and guide this child of Yours. Thank you for placing Your trust in me.” And that’s just it—our children are in our charge, but they are not our property. We never realize how short the time we have them under our wings really is until it is time for them to leave the nest.

They are born with unique personalities and traits, strengths and weaknesses, and our job as parents is to work with their natural characters and capacities and to guide them as best we can to prepare them for a healthy, happy and successful life. We do this through a combination of our shared experiences and through example. The caveat here is that we need to be detached from our own ideas for their “health, happiness and success” when they don't align with theirs.

On Trusting the Instincts and Intuition of Young Adult Children

My children are smart, and a lot savvier than I was at their age. The Internet has helped tremendously, in that young adults today can easily research, plan and prepare themselves for almost any undertaking they want to experience.  My husband always reminds me that the foundation is there, and so I know that while they may make some mistakes and take some chances that make me cringe, they have a strong foundation from which to gain their footing again if they begin to slip or fall. After all, what were all those years teaching them to be aware of their surroundings and warning them about life’s dangers for if not to prepare them to go explore the world? Whenever I start to panic, I think, "What would my daughter do based on what she knows is right and the experience she has?" And usually, I am much comforted when I remind myself that they both have strong instincts and intuition. They are smart and very capable young women.

Letting Go and Trusting that Our Children Will Be Safe

Whenever parents begin to worry about their young adult children’s safety and well-being, they can quickly get themselves all worked up, imagining the worst possible scenarios and consequences for their children. Oftentimes, most of our worst imaginings don’t even come to fruition, and situations they get themselves into, in actuality, turn out to be far more reasonable and even interesting than we give our young adult children credit for. For me, I have to have a little sit-down with myself to reassure my "inner mommy” that if I just have faith and trust (in God, in my case), my children will be kept safe from harm and will return to me soon—on their own time, of course!

 Encouraging our Children to See the World and Live Life Fully

When we’ve done our job as parents (I do realize a parent’s job is never done, but in this case, I mean raise them until they are ready to leave the nest), we need to step back and let our children explore the world that we’ve worked so hard to prepare them to navigate. It’s not easy! We want to give sage advice and omniscient warnings, and if our children are receptive, we should. But, there is a fine line in doing this and in micro-managing our adult children’s lives. We need to learn to let go of the control we once had over our children’s lives in order to give them a chance to make their own way.

When Young Adults Embark on their Own Adult Journeys

Living in the Middle East now for two years, I have a very different viewpoint on what is an appropriate age to expect our children to have gained all the skills and resources to enter the adult world. In America, as in many western cultures, a young person can enter the adult world and become fully independent by age 18 in many cases. Many take this leap after they finish university, at around age 22 or so. In the Middle East, however, most young adults live at home, or in a flat connected to the family home, until they marry, and that can occur at any age from 18 and up to 40 or older! No “boomerang babies” here…they just don’t leave the nest! Personally, I think somewhere in the middle of these two traditions is just about right. Middle Eastern young adults have the encouragement and support of immediate and extended family as they gradually explore life as an adult. Family units are often stronger, and adult children don’t feel embarrassed or reticent to come to family for help or guidance, as is the case with many children in the U.S. who either choose or are expected to move out of their parents’ home at a younger age.  To prove they have been a success or are mature enough to cope with adulthood, many American young adults struggle unnecessarily, feeling that they don’t have a right to their family’s support, or that their parents won’t provide it if they are in need. Many others, especially in today’s economy, struggle with feelings of failure or inadequacy when they can’t make it on their own and have to rely on their parents for temporary support. Here in the Middle East, it’s different—it's just a given that parents will be there for their children of any age, and there is a mutually caring relationship in which parents know their children will care for them in return when they are in need. No matter at what age our young adult children leave our homes, it would be wonderful if they could do so with our blessings, wisdom and support, knowing we always have their backs—while keeping healthy boundaries, of course.

There are Many Ways to Live a Productive, Satisfying Life. 

Most parents have a vision of the best possible path for their children, and it often begins with a higher education in a marketable field, which will hopefully provide them with the means to live a happy, successful life. Many of us as parents also hope our children will go on to marry and give us adorable grandchildren someday. But what happens when our children decide to deviate from the “prescribed path?” Suppose they decide to take a gap year to travel, for instance, or work at a job we don’t deem valuable as part of a future career path. What if they have no interest in marriage, or even children for that matter? How can parents let go of their expectations and desires for their children’s futures, and learn to honor and accept the individual choices of their children, however reckless or ill-planned they may think those choices are? It goes back to the attempts parents often make to try to prevent their children from experiencing any difficulty or disappointment in life, or trying to “save” them from life's hassles, because “we KNOW, we’ve been there and done that” or, “We know what we’re talking about; just listen to us!” Helicopter parenting at its finest, I say. Some children will easily accept the advice of their parents; if you have one of these children, count yourself lucky, for you will worry just a bit less than other parents. But many other children will not automatically heed their parents' warnings, needing instead to experience things on their own in order to understand or learn a valuable lesson. Whatever path they choose in life, I think most parents can agree that what we want most for our children is for them to be happy and healthy. With those two things under their belts, success is sure to follow.

When Thoughts Get Dark…Just Don’t Go There!

As a parent of two very adventurous and independent daughters, I worry. Among many things, I worry that they are wearing sunscreen, that they are staying hydrated and well nourished and getting plenty of sleep, that they aren’t getting their hearts broken, and that they are keeping company with good people who will be positive influences in their lives. I worry that they will get distracted in life, and not pursue and complete a higher education, or that they are too stressed out in this crazy world we live in. I worry that they miss me as much as I miss them. I worry. And when they are out of touch for too long (typically for more than 3 days), I panic. I know my girls and their routines, and what is typical behavior for them. I know when they are in a funk, or need to retreat and find solitude, and I try to honor that need for space. But sometimes I panic! So, when thoughts get dark, I have to consciously tell myself, “Just don’t go there!” The mind is a powerful thing, and it can imagine elaborate and tortuous scenarios in a mother’s mind. My husband assures me that there are probably 100 possible scenarios that are keeping my daughters, who are my very life and breath, from staying in touch with me. And usually, he’s right. They are busy living their lives, and not pining over their mother. For a mother, it’s different. We may think of our children, no matter what age, in a hundred or more mini-thoughts, memories and mind wanderings per day. This is our blessing and our curse.

“A Worried Mother Does Better Research than the FBI!”

I found a graphic that had this quote on it and I laughed and saved it, but I have to tell you, in my case, it’s true. Both of my girls have given me the gracious gift of allowing me the opportunity to hone my research skills over the years. In both cases, the girls were fine. Thank God for technology and the Internet, though. A quick message from them of their plans or itineraries and the occasional "proof of life" photo posted on social media are usually sufficient to put me at ease. 

More Internal Dialogue: “Relax, the Girls Will Be Fine. Breathe. Exhale.”

Here is another example of a self-soothing mantra I have to recite when I am in a panic about my girls. At the end of the day, I know this is true. I trust them, and I trust God to protect them, and to keep me sane. When you raise children who like to explore like my two girls do—to climb to unimaginable heights and then sometimes jump from those heights, or descend into dark, damp caves, to go fast and stop quickly, to navigate murky or fast-flowing waters, or go to very crowded places surrounded by strange people (“They’re not strange, Mom, they’re different”), or to shoot handguns and semi-automatic rifles (only one of my girls, I think), etc., you learn to manage small panic attacks. You also learn to enjoy the long exhale of relief when you hear they have made it through their experiences unscathed; who knew a mother could hold her breath for so long? You mainly learn not to get mad at them for scaring you, but to instead just be thankful that they are safe and enjoying life. Though it does help when they tell you what they did after the fact, I must say.

Wow! Look at all the Amazing Things our Children are Experiencing!

What could be better than reminiscing about all the fun things we did in our youth than watching our own children do some of those same things, and perhaps even more exhilarating things than we had the guts or opportunities to do? I am so inspired by my two daughters and their zest for life, their courage and bravery, and their lack of inhibition. They have goals and they take life seriously, but they also know how to find balance by incorporating lots of playtime and exploration into their lives. I am happy for them, and am often inspired by them to live life more fully, intentionally and authentically.

Listening to and Learning from our Children

I love to hear my daughters’ stories of their latest capers and encounters. They get involved in some interesting activities, meet fascinating people, and partake in exciting experiences. They are learning about many topics that are new to me, and some of which I have a basic knowledge, so our conversations are very stimulating.  I find that there is a lot to learn from my young adult daughters, and I cherish the times when they open up and share with me about their perspectives and thoughts on a variety of subjects. It’s always interesting to me to stand back and look at my daughters and the women they have become, both the ways they have changed as they have been exposed to new things over the years, and the ways they have stayed exactly the same: expressions, habits and preferences. When I watch them sleep, in the same positions they did as children, they are still the small girls that let me cuddle them. Now, when we snuggle in bed to watch a movie or to chat, I feel like the luckiest person on earth.

Thank God for Social Media and Cell Phones

Many miles separate me from my daughters, and several time zones. Coordinating regular phone calls is not always practical, and sometimes not preferable, as we seem to prefer organic conversations. That being said, we talk often: when we have news to share, when we miss each other, when we need advice from each other, when we need to vent, when we have a funny story to relay, and often just to check in with each other. Without social media and online communication applications, we would have a much harder time staying in touch, and probably feel much more disconnected. While it is not a perfect arrangement, and I miss my daughters every single day, I am very grateful for the many ways I have of staying in touch with them. I can track their activities (yes, I stalk my girls on social media) and be a silent observer of their lives, knowing they are safe and happy. Sometimes, that's all a mommy needs to know.