Pack of Wolves

     There is nothing like a rush of strong emotion and adrenaline to inspire one to write. I returned home prematurely today from what started off as a relaxing, energizing walk with my dog. In the part of Amman, Jordan where I live, I walk my dog daily on sidewalks that line the fronts of homes built between busy arterial streets. It’s considered a very safe and decent place to live. I’ve noticed a distinct change recently, however, in how secure I feel when I am out walking in my neighborhood.

      Today, I experienced something unsettling for the third time in just the past few months: harassment by a group of young men. It’s not so much the actual infringement on my personal space and peace of mind that has me upset, though; it’s a trend I’m seeing among many teenaged boys and young men in Jordan. Young men in the Middle East generally hang out in groups and have a lot of spare time on their hands. Often, they loiter in the malls and indiscreetly follow young women from closely behind—not enough to inspire them to spark a conversation with them, mind you, but just enough to annoy the ladies and make them feel uncomfortable. Not only have I witnessed this, but I’ve been a target and so have my two daughters. It is very apparent that many young men in this culture lack social skills and common decency when it comes to dealing with women and girls.

      I am in my mid-forties and do not carry myself in a way that garners this sort of attention from anyone. I dress decently by any standards and do not smile at or engage in eye contact with male strangers here, in an effort to avoid sending the wrong message. This took some getting used to since prior to my move here I had lived my whole life in the friendly Pacific Northwest region of the U.S. where smiling at passersby is common and considered polite. After a few neighborly smiles that drew unwanted attention, however, I learned the wisdom behind my husband’s advice to avoid such interactions. 

      On previous occasions when a pack of young boys has verbally harassed and followed me, I have just hurried ahead and checked back from time to time to gauge my safety, which in retrospect probably emboldened their behavior. I recognized this group as one that had targeted me before, and they likely found me familiar as well, or at least recognized my adorable and harmless looking dog. I debated confronting them, but decided I refused to be intimidated in broad daylight in my very own neighborhood. Today, I snapped.

My beautiful Irish Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier 

     I have dark hair and an olive complexion and could easily pass for an Arab, except I’m not. I’m an American expat who does not speak or understand Arabic well, and apparently, this aspect of the culture either. It is instances like these that make me angry, where I am subject to injustice just for being a woman. These boys likely figured I was a local woman just out walking her dog and would probably just ignore them. I disagree with this type of response; to ignore such behavior is to acquiesce, to allow it to continue, to essentially be a victim.

     Where I grew up, young men had manners. They knew if they wanted the attention of a girl or a woman, they needed to model behavior that was worthy of receiving it. Catcalling and aggressively following others not only shows ill manners and blatant disrespect for others, but it indicates a deficit on the aggressor’s part. It shows weakness and cowardliness. It shows a lack of self-discipline and even self-respect. Humans are not animals that chase prey for sport or other more basic needs. We are higher beings with intellectual capacities that have allowed us to become civilized over time, increasingly so in most cases.

     Here is what happened: I was nearing the middle of my typical half-hour walk with my dog and was about mid-way on the usual route we take. It was extremely cold and almost dusk so I was walking quickly when I suddenly heard several loud voices that caught my attention. The only word I understood was, “Kalb!” which means “dog” in Arabic. I turned my head to see four tall young men about a block away striding confidently toward me with a small boy in tow, all shouting words I could not understand. I thought I recognized them as the same young men who had taunted my dog and me and thrown rocks at her just weeks prior when we had passed them while they played with a soccer ball in the street.

     I continued up my usual path at a faster clip than before, figuring they would give up and go about their business. At some point, I turned back to check, and they were less than 100 yards behind me. When I looked, they all started up with the harassment again. I felt my heart race a little, though not out of fear because I knew that if confronted, these cowards would back down, even to a mere woman. But I am not a mere woman—and I was livid. 

     Whipping my mobile phone out of my pocket, I turned on the video feature, did an abrupt about-face and began filming them. The little miscreants all covered their faces with their hands and turned their heads sideways and downward, away from my camera. They walked past, avoiding me, but I turned to follow them and shouted, “Fee mushkileh?” or, “Is there a problem?” and then firmly said, “AIB!” which means, “For shame!” Only after I walked away did one turn to say, “No. Inti fee mushkileh?” meaning, “No. Do YOU have a problem?” Hell hath no fury like a disrespected and hormonal woman, and I think they sensed this. I hope I exhibited just enough crazy to scare the little one of the bunch from growing up to mimic this behavior; he was dodging me like my dog does when it's her bath time.

The short 15 second video below gives an idea of the cowardly hooligans I was up against. 

     After our face-to-hidden-faces confrontation, the five started sauntering in the direction of the King Hussein Mosque where the call to prayer was being broadcast. Instead of going straight toward my own home, I stood on the corner of a well-known politician’s property and dialed my husband on the phone to vent my frustrations. I think he was just glad I didn’t take it upon myself to inflict bodily harm on them. He recently supplied me with a Taser to ward off packs of stray dogs, and I am extremely glad I didn’t have it with me today, because I might have been inclined to use it on this pack of wolves. All the while, a few of the little piss-ants kept turning their heads back to see me watching them and on my phone, and then they all started sprinting up the hill and around the corner.

     I work at a private school in Amman and I interact with high school students there regularly. Never are they disrespectful to me—in fact, it’s quite to the contrary; they are all helpful and polite and exceedingly respectful to me. Mind you, I am not a teacher so my interactions with them are limited—I’m sure they have their moments. After I got home from this encounter, I couldn’t help but wonder if the same well-behaved young adults I see at school ever conduct themselves in this manner outside of school. It would be appalling if that were the case! That led me to think that these young men I saw today, who likely live above-average lifestyles in nearby homes and attend private schools, must also have similar behavior expectations wherever they attend school. 

    Where then, is the breakdown? If schools have such high behavioral standards, then where else might this behavior be learned? It's not the job of schools to teach these behaviors, but only to reinforce what has hopefully been instilled at home. Haven’t their parents taught these boys how women should be regarded? Would these boys mind if another pack of young men did this to their mothers or their sisters? Or, have they been taught appropriate behavior but decided to ignore it, like so many other moral teachings that are disregarded? Are they succumbing to peer pressure to act like alpha males? In any case, there is no valid excuse for such behavior. 

I raised two girls, so I don’t know what role a mother plays in raising young men who respect women, but I have a husband, father, brothers, and plenty of other male family members and friends in my life who seem to have learned these very basic standards for human interaction. How do fathers and other male role models inspire and influence the way young men interact with members of the opposite sex? I don't have the answers, but it certainly raises a good issue that parents and adults can reflect upon and discuss with the youth in their lives. 

     Do people not see the hypocrisy in this sort of behavior? Pious people abound who have no notion of what it means to think of other people before themselves. How will this region advance if many that make up its future generation cannot even be civilized? I've heard it said that humans are among Jordan's greatest resources. God help us if this is the caliber of people who the country will depend upon for its future success. Today, I turned to two elderly men dressed in conservative attire, and a bit shaken and in my very limited Arabic said, “Shabab hon, mushkileh!” which indicated, however crudely, “Young boys here, problem!” They looked at me dismissively and just waved their hand up the road to where the pack was still turned around saying rude things to me, and said, “Mish mushkileh,” or, “There’s no problem.” Therein lies the problem—because there is, apparently, no problem.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in the United States. This year, I am particularly aware of breast cancer because a very dear friend of mine was diagnosed a few weeks ago with an aggressive form, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. She is in Stage 3C, and her cancer is Triple Negative, which is one of the more rare types. Since her diagnosis, she has been keeping friends and family up to date on her treatment plan, what she can expect as she confronts cancer, and how she is feeling at any given update. Somehow, her e-mails have had an amazing ability to soothe those of us who love her, even though we are the ones who should be comforting her. But that is her nature; she is a caretaker, a lover of people, and a “mother” and “sister” and friend to many. Her spirit is strong, and her faith steadfast.

My first cousin was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer shortly after her fortieth birthday, and fought it hard for nearly seven years. I am still inspired by her strength, her will, her faith and the beauty of her spirit. Though we did not get the chance to grow up near one another, I bonded with her in adulthood, and I miss her very much. She was very fortunate to have her three children, her mother, brothers and sister and their families with her throughout her ordeal. What struck me was her courage throughout her illness, and how much family and friends rallied behind her every step of the way.

Countless people have been affected by cancer in one of its dreaded forms, either directly, or through a loved one or acquaintance. Others have had little experience with cancer, lack knowledge about the various types of cancer and their treatments, and may feel unsure how to provide support to someone who has cancer. Many other people actively participate in the fight against cancer through involvement in one of the many cancer foundations and their various fundraisers. All such efforts should be applauded for their contributions to finding cures for cancer. Breast cancer is particularly prevalent, however, and breast cancer research is in dire need of fundraising efforts and financial support to advance breakthroughs and treatment options and to continue spreading awareness. 

Today, I hope to share a message about prevention awareness and the vital importance of routine mammography, breast ultrasound, and breast MRI screenings. My friend has encouraged me to spread the word to as many women and men as possible, and has given me permission to share her personal story, which she has already shared with friends and family. She is in her mid-forties and has a family history of breast cancer, so had been getting annual mammograms and breast ultrasounds for the past six or seven years. In April of this year, she had her yearly mammogram, and then in June, she had a follow-up breast ultrasound. No cancer was detected on either screening. Then, on September 15^th of this year, she was told she had a tumor in her left breast, and a subsequent lymph node biopsy showed that the cancer had already spread. Her journey with cancer began suddenly and unexpectedly; despite her precautions, the prescribed preventative screenings were not enough to detect the cancer.

This is the message my friend would like to impart as she prepares to bravely go up against breast cancer:

Be proactive! Even if you have no family history of breast cancer, know the statistics, and the importance of preventative screenings. Blood tests can also be done to check for markers that would indicate the possibility of cancer. The guidelines for screening vary, but the general consensus is that annual mammograms are recommended for women aged forty and up who are at average risk for breast cancer. For women who have a family history of breast cancer or other risk factors, annual mammograms are recommended from a much earlier age. Women with dense breast tissue, cysts in their breasts, and/or a family history of breast cancer should INSIST on annual breast MRIs, in addition to breast ultrasounds and mammograms. My friend was very clear in her advice on this, saying she didn’t want anyone else to have cancer missed on a mammogram and breast ultrasound like hers was. She urged all her female family and friends to please get mammograms (and any additional screenings that may be necessary) to be proactive in catching cancer in the early stages. I know medical insurance is an issue for many and these screenings are often not fully covered, but it is so important to prioritize budgeting for these preventative medical expenses and to be diligent about getting them done.

At the end of this post, I have listed some links regarding breast cancer screening, the specific type of cancer my friend has, chemotherapy information, and articles on very recent breast cancer research. Since I learned of my friend’s diagnosis, I have been reading about breast cancer; the facts and details about the type she has, and even about the specific chemotherapy drugs she will be given. She has given all of her friends and family the details about her treatment plan, which has been extremely helpful in understanding her case. Everyone who supports a woman who has breast cancer can do his own research to better understand what she is going through, and therefore try to provide her with better support. It seems the last thing a cancer patient would want to do is to reiterate medical details to family and friends who ask for them. A woman going through treatment needs to save her energy to focus on the complete healing of her body. Having breast cancer awareness can be a way to support a loved one with cancer.

I urge anyone reading this to take some time to become aware of some aspect of cancer previously unknown to oneself. Read about cancer statistics, preventative measures (dietary, lifestyle, medical, etc.), how to provide support to individuals and families dealing with cancer, the latest in cancer research, cancer fundraising opportunities, etc. Try to find some way to become better educated to ensure this National Breast Cancer Awareness Month has its greatest impact yet. My special request, for my friend, is that you take time to read about the different screening methods for breast cancer detection, and the pros and cons of each. Most importantly, I hope all women will heed her advice to get regular screenings as recommended, and men will urge their loved ones to do so.  How will YOU honor Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

EARLY DETECTION SCREENING:

http://ww5.komen.org/breastcancer/earlydetectionampscreening.html

http://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/adult/breast/screening-guidelines-breast

INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA:

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/idc

http://www.seattlecca.org/diseases/breast-cancer-types.cfm

CHEMOTHERAPY:

http://www.chemocare.com/search.aspx?q=invasive%20ductal%20carcinoma

Use this link to learn about chemotherapy treatment; type in the various drug names in the search window and the site will provide specific information about each of them.

CANCER RESEARCH:

http://www.breakthrough.org.uk/

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/29/business/roche-breast-cancer-drug-appears-to-greatly-extend-patients-lives.html?_r=0

Triple Negative Breast Cancer Breakthrough: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/09/140905153015.htm

A Mother’s Thoughts on Parenting Young Adult Children

The Notion that Our Children are Given to Us On Loan

There is a saying to this effect, and I believe it’s true! When I became a parent each time, I looked at my newborn daughters in those first hours and thought something to the effect, “What a gift I’ve been given! God, I promise to protect and guide this child of Yours. Thank you for placing Your trust in me.” And that’s just it—our children are in our charge, but they are not our property. We never realize how short the time we have them under our wings really is until it is time for them to leave the nest.

They are born with unique personalities and traits, strengths and weaknesses, and our job as parents is to work with their natural characters and capacities and to guide them as best we can to prepare them for a healthy, happy and successful life. We do this through a combination of our shared experiences and through example. The caveat here is that we need to be detached from our own ideas for their “health, happiness and success” when they don't align with theirs.

On Trusting the Instincts and Intuition of Young Adult Children

My children are smart, and a lot savvier than I was at their age. The Internet has helped tremendously, in that young adults today can easily research, plan and prepare themselves for almost any undertaking they want to experience.  My husband always reminds me that the foundation is there, and so I know that while they may make some mistakes and take some chances that make me cringe, they have a strong foundation from which to gain their footing again if they begin to slip or fall. After all, what were all those years teaching them to be aware of their surroundings and warning them about life’s dangers for if not to prepare them to go explore the world? Whenever I start to panic, I think, "What would my daughter do based on what she knows is right and the experience she has?" And usually, I am much comforted when I remind myself that they both have strong instincts and intuition. They are smart and very capable young women.

Letting Go and Trusting that Our Children Will Be Safe

Whenever parents begin to worry about their young adult children’s safety and well-being, they can quickly get themselves all worked up, imagining the worst possible scenarios and consequences for their children. Oftentimes, most of our worst imaginings don’t even come to fruition, and situations they get themselves into, in actuality, turn out to be far more reasonable and even interesting than we give our young adult children credit for. For me, I have to have a little sit-down with myself to reassure my "inner mommy” that if I just have faith and trust (in God, in my case), my children will be kept safe from harm and will return to me soon—on their own time, of course!

 Encouraging our Children to See the World and Live Life Fully

When we’ve done our job as parents (I do realize a parent’s job is never done, but in this case, I mean raise them until they are ready to leave the nest), we need to step back and let our children explore the world that we’ve worked so hard to prepare them to navigate. It’s not easy! We want to give sage advice and omniscient warnings, and if our children are receptive, we should. But, there is a fine line in doing this and in micro-managing our adult children’s lives. We need to learn to let go of the control we once had over our children’s lives in order to give them a chance to make their own way.

When Young Adults Embark on their Own Adult Journeys

Living in the Middle East now for two years, I have a very different viewpoint on what is an appropriate age to expect our children to have gained all the skills and resources to enter the adult world. In America, as in many western cultures, a young person can enter the adult world and become fully independent by age 18 in many cases. Many take this leap after they finish university, at around age 22 or so. In the Middle East, however, most young adults live at home, or in a flat connected to the family home, until they marry, and that can occur at any age from 18 and up to 40 or older! No “boomerang babies” here…they just don’t leave the nest! Personally, I think somewhere in the middle of these two traditions is just about right. Middle Eastern young adults have the encouragement and support of immediate and extended family as they gradually explore life as an adult. Family units are often stronger, and adult children don’t feel embarrassed or reticent to come to family for help or guidance, as is the case with many children in the U.S. who either choose or are expected to move out of their parents’ home at a younger age.  To prove they have been a success or are mature enough to cope with adulthood, many American young adults struggle unnecessarily, feeling that they don’t have a right to their family’s support, or that their parents won’t provide it if they are in need. Many others, especially in today’s economy, struggle with feelings of failure or inadequacy when they can’t make it on their own and have to rely on their parents for temporary support. Here in the Middle East, it’s different—it's just a given that parents will be there for their children of any age, and there is a mutually caring relationship in which parents know their children will care for them in return when they are in need. No matter at what age our young adult children leave our homes, it would be wonderful if they could do so with our blessings, wisdom and support, knowing we always have their backs—while keeping healthy boundaries, of course.

There are Many Ways to Live a Productive, Satisfying Life. 

Most parents have a vision of the best possible path for their children, and it often begins with a higher education in a marketable field, which will hopefully provide them with the means to live a happy, successful life. Many of us as parents also hope our children will go on to marry and give us adorable grandchildren someday. But what happens when our children decide to deviate from the “prescribed path?” Suppose they decide to take a gap year to travel, for instance, or work at a job we don’t deem valuable as part of a future career path. What if they have no interest in marriage, or even children for that matter? How can parents let go of their expectations and desires for their children’s futures, and learn to honor and accept the individual choices of their children, however reckless or ill-planned they may think those choices are? It goes back to the attempts parents often make to try to prevent their children from experiencing any difficulty or disappointment in life, or trying to “save” them from life's hassles, because “we KNOW, we’ve been there and done that” or, “We know what we’re talking about; just listen to us!” Helicopter parenting at its finest, I say. Some children will easily accept the advice of their parents; if you have one of these children, count yourself lucky, for you will worry just a bit less than other parents. But many other children will not automatically heed their parents' warnings, needing instead to experience things on their own in order to understand or learn a valuable lesson. Whatever path they choose in life, I think most parents can agree that what we want most for our children is for them to be happy and healthy. With those two things under their belts, success is sure to follow.

When Thoughts Get Dark…Just Don’t Go There!

As a parent of two very adventurous and independent daughters, I worry. Among many things, I worry that they are wearing sunscreen, that they are staying hydrated and well nourished and getting plenty of sleep, that they aren’t getting their hearts broken, and that they are keeping company with good people who will be positive influences in their lives. I worry that they will get distracted in life, and not pursue and complete a higher education, or that they are too stressed out in this crazy world we live in. I worry that they miss me as much as I miss them. I worry. And when they are out of touch for too long (typically for more than 3 days), I panic. I know my girls and their routines, and what is typical behavior for them. I know when they are in a funk, or need to retreat and find solitude, and I try to honor that need for space. But sometimes I panic! So, when thoughts get dark, I have to consciously tell myself, “Just don’t go there!” The mind is a powerful thing, and it can imagine elaborate and tortuous scenarios in a mother’s mind. My husband assures me that there are probably 100 possible scenarios that are keeping my daughters, who are my very life and breath, from staying in touch with me. And usually, he’s right. They are busy living their lives, and not pining over their mother. For a mother, it’s different. We may think of our children, no matter what age, in a hundred or more mini-thoughts, memories and mind wanderings per day. This is our blessing and our curse.

“A Worried Mother Does Better Research than the FBI!”

I found a graphic that had this quote on it and I laughed and saved it, but I have to tell you, in my case, it’s true. Both of my girls have given me the gracious gift of allowing me the opportunity to hone my research skills over the years. In both cases, the girls were fine. Thank God for technology and the Internet, though. A quick message from them of their plans or itineraries and the occasional "proof of life" photo posted on social media are usually sufficient to put me at ease. 

More Internal Dialogue: “Relax, the Girls Will Be Fine. Breathe. Exhale.”

Here is another example of a self-soothing mantra I have to recite when I am in a panic about my girls. At the end of the day, I know this is true. I trust them, and I trust God to protect them, and to keep me sane. When you raise children who like to explore like my two girls do—to climb to unimaginable heights and then sometimes jump from those heights, or descend into dark, damp caves, to go fast and stop quickly, to navigate murky or fast-flowing waters, or go to very crowded places surrounded by strange people (“They’re not strange, Mom, they’re different”), or to shoot handguns and semi-automatic rifles (only one of my girls, I think), etc., you learn to manage small panic attacks. You also learn to enjoy the long exhale of relief when you hear they have made it through their experiences unscathed; who knew a mother could hold her breath for so long? You mainly learn not to get mad at them for scaring you, but to instead just be thankful that they are safe and enjoying life. Though it does help when they tell you what they did after the fact, I must say.

Wow! Look at all the Amazing Things our Children are Experiencing!

What could be better than reminiscing about all the fun things we did in our youth than watching our own children do some of those same things, and perhaps even more exhilarating things than we had the guts or opportunities to do? I am so inspired by my two daughters and their zest for life, their courage and bravery, and their lack of inhibition. They have goals and they take life seriously, but they also know how to find balance by incorporating lots of playtime and exploration into their lives. I am happy for them, and am often inspired by them to live life more fully, intentionally and authentically.

Listening to and Learning from our Children

I love to hear my daughters’ stories of their latest capers and encounters. They get involved in some interesting activities, meet fascinating people, and partake in exciting experiences. They are learning about many topics that are new to me, and some of which I have a basic knowledge, so our conversations are very stimulating.  I find that there is a lot to learn from my young adult daughters, and I cherish the times when they open up and share with me about their perspectives and thoughts on a variety of subjects. It’s always interesting to me to stand back and look at my daughters and the women they have become, both the ways they have changed as they have been exposed to new things over the years, and the ways they have stayed exactly the same: expressions, habits and preferences. When I watch them sleep, in the same positions they did as children, they are still the small girls that let me cuddle them. Now, when we snuggle in bed to watch a movie or to chat, I feel like the luckiest person on earth.

Thank God for Social Media and Cell Phones

Many miles separate me from my daughters, and several time zones. Coordinating regular phone calls is not always practical, and sometimes not preferable, as we seem to prefer organic conversations. That being said, we talk often: when we have news to share, when we miss each other, when we need advice from each other, when we need to vent, when we have a funny story to relay, and often just to check in with each other. Without social media and online communication applications, we would have a much harder time staying in touch, and probably feel much more disconnected. While it is not a perfect arrangement, and I miss my daughters every single day, I am very grateful for the many ways I have of staying in touch with them. I can track their activities (yes, I stalk my girls on social media) and be a silent observer of their lives, knowing they are safe and happy. Sometimes, that's all a mommy needs to know.