Relationship Anxiety

   Spending quality time and keeping in touch with loved ones and friends have always been extremely meaningful to me.  Yet, it seems that I am always longing for deeper relationships with my family and friends, and am often disappointed when my expectations for reciprocation are not met.   Often (usually?) I am the one to make the effort to maintain relationships--whether it is a phone call, e-mail, a visit, or other method of reaching out.  Either I am extremely sensitive, or I am out of touch with reality (quite possibly, I’m a little of both), but it seems to me that many people today are just too busy with “life” to invest a lot of time in or place much importance on relationships, unless they are limited to cellular frequencies or bandwidth, made possible by the many amazing technological advances available to us today. In my opinion, however, nothing can replace the intimacy of sharing laughter over a cup of coffee or tea with a loved one or a good friend, or a heartfelt conversation held while walking side-by-side outdoors. These moments that are made possible by making room in our lives for others stretch beyond the bounds of superficial interchanges and go much deeper, and are sometimes even elevated to a spiritual level. There is a special potency to held eye contact, to nuances that can only be perceived fully when all of our senses are tuned in to a conversation, to being fully present and in the moment when we interact with those we value.  Furthermore, these interactions often become precious memories when we are no longer afforded the opportunity to experience them, due to circumstance.  Time constraints, physical or emotional distance, and sometimes even death come between us and our loved ones, and too often, we are left with regrets for not having carved time out of our busy lives to sincerely connect with others when we had the chance.

As a society, we seem to have become socially inept and have lost some very basic skills in relating to others, such as giving others our undivided attention while they speak.  I am as guilty as the rest when it comes to this; I often multi-task while listening to a friend on my cell phone, or even while I am on a Skype call with my dear husband!  Often, because we don't see our friends in person as often as we'd like, we are not good listeners when we finally do get together, but instead wait impatiently for our turn to speak, only half-heartedly listening when our friends are sharing with us.  Regrettably, I have done this to my own friends and family.  With all of the advances we’ve made technologically, to me it seems we’ve lost something vital in the process.  Progress, it seems, has come at a cost.  Social media, while great at keeping us in the loop about the day to day events in each other's lives, seems to have stunted us in terms of real social interaction.  I’ve always thought that as humans, we long to be truly and deeply known, both to ourselves, and by others.  To recognize that very humanity in others by honoring their invitation to know them is, to me, one of life’s precious gifts and greatest privileges.  We can learn so much from each other, and our lives can become so rich when we do.

Just yesterday, I had the bounty of spending a day with two friends from my childhood.  We spent the afternoon browsing through antique stores, boutiques, and galleries and had a wonderful lunch together.  We laughed hard, we explored, and we reminisced.  At one point, one of my friends said, “I just love being with you two.  You are some of the only people who really get me!”  That’s what I’m talking about.  That’s what makes a friendship really rewarding and satisfying…that understanding that we are truly known and loved.

As I reflect on the people and things that are important to me, and as my move date grows ever nearer (and my schedule ever more hectic as a result), I am trying to fit in as much quality time with friends and family as possible.  I am starting to realize that I will need to prioritize those relationships that are most important to me, and that are mutually satisfying.  It’s taken me a long time to reconcile the fact that no matter one’s efforts, one can’t force someone else to become more engaged in a relationship.  We each choose those by whom we wish to be surrounded in this life.  Genuine relationships, those not maintained out of a sense of obligation or duty, bear the choicest fruits and are truly meaningful.  We alone choose the level of intimacy and the amount of energy we will put into our relationships with others.  Most importantly, I’ve learned that sometimes “family” comes into my life unexpectedly, both in the form of deep and caring friendships with those whom I share similar values and ideals, and even with those whose worldviews and opinions differ from my own.  It is just such diversity that enriches my life. 

The internet provides the means to bridge the gap between my hometown and my new home, and I am so grateful for technology and programs like Skype and Facetime and other social media for helping me to remain connected to and in contact with those friends and family who desire the same.  Nothing, though, can substitute the feelings of closeness and joy I feel when in the company of my dear loved ones.  To each of you (and you know who you are!), and to all those newer friends and acquaintances whom I’ve had the good pleasure to connect with here in the U.S., you will be sorely missed. 

Through my husband, I have already met some amazing people in Amman.  As I settle in there, my hope is to strengthen those ties and to create even more long lasting friendships as I cross paths with new people there.  The ‘crazy American girl who tends to over share’ will have to learn to temper herself in Amman’s more formal culture.  Thank goodness the smile is a universal expression of goodwill.  I will share mine in excess, while studiously picking up on social cues and behaviors.  

Here are the words from a song we sang when I was in the Girl Scouts of America as a child:

“Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other gold!”

Goodnight, Seattle & Sabaah al-khayr, Amman!

-M.